I ran across this very entertaining adaptation of the Lord of the Rings script and thought I’d share..
LORD OF THE RINGS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
INT. DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON’S HOME
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON sits, on the phone with a
POWERFUL FILM EXECUTIVE.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
So, I was tossing this idea around.
Maybe I should make films out of
the Lord of the Rings tril–
RABID FANS OF THE BOOKS
(breaking down the door)
LORD OF THE RINGS?!?!?! Finally! A
well-done, realistic, immersive
film version of the best trilogy of
overly long books ever!
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Well, I was just thinking abo–
RABID FANS OF THE BOOKS
You know who would make an awesome
Gandalf? Ian McKellen!
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Uh, yeah, well, that’s a good idea,
I gue-
RABID FANS OF THE BOOKS
Oh, I can’t wait! I’m going to
generate an ungodly amount of hype
for this movie for the next few
years! I’m sure you won’t
disappoint us!
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON gulps nervously.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
(twitching)
Wow, I feel a lot of pressure. How
can I possibly create a film as
good as any book in the wonderful
Lord of the Rings trilogy? What am
I going to do?
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON proceeds to sit down with the
trilogy and translate each page into screenplay format,
word by word.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON (CONT’D)
Yes! I will make the most loyal
movie based on a book in the
history of the cinema! Nobody will
be able to say the book was better
then! Ha ha ha!
EXT. BIG, OPEN BATTLEFIELD
Various computer-generated creatures face off. A
NARRATOR explains the story from “The Hobbit” as jaw
dropping battle ensues on-screen.
NARRATOR
So, this dude, Sauron, made a big
badass ring. He did some nasty
shit with it, and then he got
killed and this human took it.
Then he did nasty shit, too. The
ring made everyone an asshole and
then Ian Holm got it.
AUDIENCE
Wow! They just summarized the
entire first book in a matter of
minutes, doing so with the help of
an outstandingly impressive fight
sequence. If the rest of the movie
is like this, then this might just
be the greatest epic adventure film
ever created.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Oh, no, see, this was short, to-the
point, and interesting. The rest
of my movie is anything but that.
Did you go to the bathroom yet? You
probably should.
EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL FANTASY VILLAGE
IAN MCKELLEN arrives. ELIJAH WOOD runs up to him.
IAN MCKELLEN
I am old and sage! I bring a sense
of dignity and elegance to all that
I do, and I appear to be a master
of all things intellectual.
ELIJAH WOOD
Actually, the most impressive thing
you’ll do is set off a bunch of
fireworks. Then you get your ass
kicked by a better wizard, fail to
get us through a door because
you’re too stupid to solve an easy
riddle, and then die.
IAN MCKELLEN
Oh. Well, at least I wasn’t in
“North”, you putrid piece of shit.
ELIJAH WOOD
Dammit.
IAN MCKELLEN
So anyway, where’s Ian Holm? I
heard he’s got the plot to this
movie in his pocket somewhere.
INT. IAN HOLM’S COMICALLY SMALL HOME
IAN MCKELLEN enters, hitting his head on objects.
IAN HOLM
There you are, you sage old wizard!
They smoke from IAN MCKELLEN’S PIPE.
IAN HOLM (CONT’D)
Ah, Ian, you truly have the finest
weed in Middle Earth.
IAN MCKELLEN
Heh. Both of our names are Ian.
IAN HOLM
Holy shit! You’re right!
IAN HOLM falls backwards, laughing hysterically.
IAN HOLM (CONT’D)
Dude! Every time I laugh, I think
it’s my lung trying to escape a
little bit. Maybe that’s what
laughing is. Lungs use humor to
trick us into letting them escape.
Whoa.
IAN MCKELLEN
Holy shit dude, you’re so fucked
up.
IAN HOLM
Oh, wanna see something cool? This
will totally trip you out.
IAN slips on the RING OF POWER and turns invisible.
IAN HOLM (CONT’D)
(invisible)
Whoa, where’d I go? Where’d I go?
Ha ha!
(removing the ring)
Isn’t that awesome?
IAN MCKELLEN
Ian! You stupid bastard! That’s
the Ring of Power, forged centuries
ago by the evil Lord Sauron! It is
the key to the greatest power in
all the land! It is sought after
by the most wicked of evil forces
and as Sauron’s spirit grows
stronger, he comes closer to
obtaining it and enslaving Middle
Earth!
IAN HOLM
Shit. High killer, dude. Not cool.
IAN MCKELLEN
Give me the ring. Then go away and
write your book. Elijah Wood and I
will destroy it.
IAN HOLM
Elijah Wood? Wasn’t he that little
puke in “The Good Son”?
IAN MCKELLEN
That was Macaulay Culkin.
IAN HOLM
Wait, am I thinking of the wrong
person?
IAN MCKELLEN
Elijah was the snot-nosed little
twerp in the Flipper movie.
IAN HOLM
Oh, right, that fucker.
IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah. I’m going to travel with him
to the treacherous volcano Mount
Doom. Once there, we will destroy
this evil thing once and for good.
IAN HOLM
The ring?
IAN MCKELLEN
Elijah. But I’ll make him wear the
ring before I shove him in.
IAN HOLM leaves. ELIJAH enters.
ELIJAH WOOD
Heya Ian! I just came by to see–
IAN MCKELLEN
Elijah, you must take this ring.
It is the Ring of Power, forged by
the evil Lord Sauron long ago.
Travel to a far away land with your
cohorts. I will meet you there and
we will venture to Mount Doom to
destroy the ring. You must arrive
safely - the fate of Middle Earth
depends on your success.
ELIJAH WOOD
Er..uh..I just wanted to ask you if
you wanted to play some Nintendo.
IAN MCKELLEN
There’s no time, Elijah! I must go
find Christopher Lee and seek his
guidance. Good luck, the fate of
all life rests in your small, hairy
hands.
ELIJAH WOOD
I.. uh..
IAN MCKELLEN
(bolting out the door)
Don’t fuck up!
ELIJAH stares at the ring. As he does so, his face
contorts to an expression of limitless fear.
His eyes widen and his mouth gapes slightly open with
shock and terror. This expression never leaves his face
again - ever.
SEAN ASTIN
Hey Elijah, me and these other two
interchangeable Hobbits want to go
with you on your quest.
ELIJAH WOOD
Are you sure? I will be faced with
much peril.
SEAN ASTIN
Jesus, look at this place. It’s
nothing but grass and plants. I
ate a damn flower for breakfast
today. It looks really pretty if
you take it in small doses, but
living here is some kind of hell. I
need to get out of here, Elijah, my
parents are driving me nuts and
there is nothing to do.
ELIJAH WOOD
Alright, let’s go! But only if you
act so moronically that you not
only nearly sabotage our mission
repeatedly, but also drastically
undermine the otherwise serious
tone of the film.
SEAN ASTIN
It’s a deal. And by the way, if
you want to randomly start cheering
“Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!” don’t let me
stop you.
ELIJAH WOOD
What?
INT. CHRISTOPHER LEE’S HOME OR A CHURCH OR SOME SHIT
CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN MCKELLEN walk around and chat.
IAN MCKELLEN
It’s good seeing you again,
Christopher Lee. I like what
you’ve done with your hair, how do
you keep it so tangle-free?
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Well, Ian, I condition when
showering, brush it straight while
still in the shower, and then
condition again. The secret is in
the second conditioning.
IAN MCKELLEN
Brilliant! See, this is why you’re
obviously the better wizard.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Actually, it’s funny you should say
that, Ian. You see, I’m about to
beat the living snot out of you.
IAN MCKELLEN
Come again?
CHRISTOPHER brings out a small card.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Ha! I summon Gaea’s Skyfolk, a 2/2
with flying.
IAN MCKELLEN
Hmm. Okay, I’m going to cast a
counterspell, which lets me also
draw a card. Oh! A Bloodfire Kavu!
I summon him.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
You can’t do that, you can’t summon
until your turn, it’s still my
turn.
IAN MCKELLEN
No it’s not! I just did the
counterspell!
CHRISTOPHER LEE
That was an instant! God, now I
remember why I hate playing with
you! Fuck this!
CHRISTOPHER uses his WIZARD STICK to rip IAN MCKELLEN a
BRAND NEW ASSHOLE.
EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL LANDSCAPE
ELIJAH and the OTHER HOBBITS walk around NEW ZEALAND.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Isn’t this great? Them walking
around in this world… this
completely different world…of New
Zealand..
AUDIENCE
Yeah, it’s really pretty.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
(bemused)
It is…
Minutes pass.
AUDIENCE
Uh..you, uh, gonna do something any
time soon?
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Huh? Oh, right, action. How about
some monsters?
Suddenly, some EVIL MONSTERS attack. A few monsters get
close to ELIJAH WOOD so he puts on the RING OF POWER to
become INVISIBLE.
ELIJAH WOOD
Ha! Bet you monsters didn’t see
that coming! Holy shit, does
anyone have any 3D glasses, stuff
looks really neat with this ring
on.
ELIJAH is then STABBED anyway.
ELIJAH WOOD (CONT’D)
Gark!
VIGGO MORTENSEN jumps in and slaughters ELIJAH’S
ATTACKERS.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Elijah, are you all right? You
must survive! You are the only one
who can carry the ring! All others
would be tempted to wear it for
personal gain!
ELIJAH WOOD
Didn’t I just put it on to save my
own ass?
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Yes, but then you got stabbed
anyway. See, if any of us were
corrupted by the ring, we’d be
intelligent enough to use it for
our own advantage. Hobbits, on the
other hand, are bumbling morons.
Frankly I’m more concerned with you
dropping it or losing it than I am
with the thought that you might use
it for power.
ELIJAH WOOD
Oh. Well, I think I’m dying. Is
that bad?
VIGGO MORTENSEN
The only thing that can save you
now is an awkward cameo by Liv
Tyler.
LIV TYLER
I am one of the only females in the
film. I somehow manage to have
absolutely no depth at all. But I’m
pretty, which is what chicks are
supposed to be in this sort of
thing. Please notice how softened
my appearance is, because I am
female, you see.
She looks PRETTY.
ELIJAH WOOD
So, um, about me dying…
LIV TYLER
Oh, right. I will take you
backstage at an Aerosmith concert,
where your wounds shall be healed.
EXT. THE LAND OF THE ELVES
HUGO WEAVING, looking unnecessarily cunning, talks to
IAN MCKELLEN, who escaped somehow. Something about a
bird.
HUGO WEAVING
We must destroy the ring, Ian.
IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah, I was going to go to Mount
Doom with Elijah Wood and do that.
HUGO WEAVING
Elijah Wood? The whiny dipshit from
“Deep Impact”?
IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah.
HUGO WEAVING
No, that won’t do at all. I think
instead of exploring the currently
established characters in more
detail, we should simply add a
bunch of new characters that don’t
particularly enhance the story.
This larger group of boring
characters will go to Mount Doom.
A DWARF
I’ll go, because I am grizzled and
brave, though my skill doesn’t
measure up completely to my
confidence.
AN ELF
I will also go, even though I’m
about as flat as someone with
speaking lines in a movie can
possibly be. Also, I look kind of
like the oldest son from Malcom in
the Middle.
SEAN BEAN
I am human, but I seem shady as
hell. This shadiness adds a slight
bit of dimension to my personality,
but not much.
HUGO WEAVING
Excellent. Together, you will be
known as….
The overbearing, cheesy music swells.
HUGO WEAVING (CONT’D)
The Fellowship of the Ring!
AUDIENCE
Uh, wait, this scene makes me feel
like the movie is actually just
starting.
(laughing nervously)
But that’s just absurd, right?
I’ve been sitting here for an hour.
I mean, it can’t actually just be
getting going, right? Right?
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
I think it’s best you leave now.
Your eyes are unfit to view the
marvel of Tolkien’s masterpiece.
INT. VIVID, FRIGHTENING CAVERN
THE FELLOWSHIP travels through a cavern. We watch them
walk. Again.
AUDIENCE
Peter! Wake up, dammit!
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
(eyes glazed over)
So pretty…
AUDIENCE
PETER!
Suddenly, the group is surrounded by enemies again. The
enemies are defeated again. ELIJAH is stabbed again.
ELIJAH WOOD
Ahhh Jesus, this one hurts more
than usual. I think it’s really
killing me.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Ian, can’t you heal him?
IAN MCKELLEN
No, see, I’m a level 5 wizard, you
can’t cast Resurrection or Heavy
Heal until level 6. I need 4,523
more experience points. Oh, hey,
this battle gave me 5,000! Hang
on, let me increase my stats.
(pause)
Okay, done.
He heals ELIJAH.
ELIJAH WOOD
Thanks, Ian. I was just thinking,
it’s really great having you
around. You’re the most
entertaining character in this
boring bucket of shit.
IAN MCKELLEN
Thanks, that means a lot. Want me
to read you some fortune cookies
and call it “advice”?
IAN MCKELLEN is KILLED by a MONSTER.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
I guess that leaves me as the
interesting one, huh?
ELIJAH WOOD
Actually, for someone who is
essentially the focus of the last
book, you come off as amazingly
dull and transparent. I could
quite easily not notice you at all.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Hey, at least I wasn’t in “The
Faculty”, you munchkin asshat.
CATE BLANCHETT
Hi everyone. I’m the other female
in the movie. I’m exactly the same
as Liv Tyler, except shots of me
have had the edges softened even
further. My cameo is equally
useless, though, don’t be fooled by
the effects.
EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL LANDSCAPE
The FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING continues to travel around
some more. Once again, monsters eventually attack.
Once again, they are defeated.
SEAN ASTIN
Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!
ELIJAH WOOD
Hey! I didn’t get stabbed this
time.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Then there is nothing more you can
learn from us, you must go on your
own to Mount Doom. You can go with
Sean Astin if you want.
ELIJAH WOOD
Er, alright, but I really haven’t
done the slightest thing that
indicates I’m ready to go out on my
own.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Yeah well, frankly I’m tired of
watching after you and your cretin
friends. Perhaps we will meet in a
sequel.
ELIJAH WOOD
Alright. Farewell, my friends.
Sean Astin, I’m glad to be going on
this adventure with you. It makes
me look smart. We are closer to
Mount Doom, but we have a long way
to go.
AUDIENCE
A long way to go? Jesus Christ, how
much longer is this movie, I don’t
think I can sit through any more of
watching people walk through New
Zealand.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Actually, the movie’s over.
AUDIENCE
What? Are you serious? They
didn’t even do anything.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
They walked around a lot.
AUDIENCE
I hate you. I hate you so much.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Tough shit, numbnuts. I didn’t
make this movie for you, I made it
for the rabid fans of the books.
RABID FANS
It was good, but the books were
better.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON curses at the sky, shaking his
fists.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
NO!! IT WAS SO LOYAL TO THE BOOKS!!
WHERE DID I GO WRONG??
RABID FANS
Jesus man, have you read the books?
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Of course! Hundreds of times.
RABID FANS
Ever do it in one sitting?
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
No.
RABID FANS
Exactly.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
…
RABID FANS
I look forward to picking apart the
other two movies, though. Thanks
for the good time.
END
Copyright 2002 Rod Hilton. All Rights Reserved. This document may be reproduced verbatim (allowing censorship and translation) as long as the author’s name is preserved and this notice is either preserved or referenced.
August 12th, 2002 at 1:18 pm
HAHAHAHAHA, that rules. I am the only one who thought that movie was over-rated? Don’t get me wrong it was good, but I know seemingly normal people who spent a paycheck or two watching it over and over again in the theatre.
December 2nd, 2002 at 7:21 am
grate,brill
January 15th, 2003 at 2:38 pm
omg how funny was that, even though i luvd da film, that was ace!
January 27th, 2003 at 8:56 am
Well cool, i am a major fan of book and film but i thought it was realy funny. You gonna do one of the second film cause it was only vaugley familuar to the books.
June 24th, 2003 at 12:27 pm
I just loved “Rudy”
September 3rd, 2003 at 3:17 am
that sucked dont make fun of the film! ever!
September 8th, 2003 at 8:47 pm
i am a total fan of the lord of the rings. i love the movie and the book-i’ve read the first book at over 5 times and i’ve seen the the movie 10 or 11 times. dont rip the lord of the rings. thats total dispespect to j.r.r tolkien and to all the fans.
September 9th, 2003 at 11:34 pm
How about all of you people lighten the fuck up?
It’s jsut a parody… if you don’ like it, don’t read it.
Bunch of idiots.
Besides, I loved the movies. And the books.
BUT THIS WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS ROFL
September 12th, 2003 at 1:40 pm
V funny, but my I point out that the Lord of the Rings isn’t a trilogy
September 22nd, 2003 at 9:18 am
Eggy wiff?
October 1st, 2003 at 7:54 am
I LOVED BOTH THE MOVIES!!!!! they where simply wonderful. and Aaragon is just SEXY
October 11th, 2003 at 8:44 pm
lord of the rings
October 25th, 2003 at 2:51 pm
jesus christ elijah wood was dissed so god damn much it was funny as hell. hahahaha the fucker
October 30th, 2003 at 5:09 pm
dont dis the film
November 18th, 2003 at 9:58 pm
This was funny as Hell. I luv the movies but this cracked me the fuck up.
November 28th, 2003 at 3:25 pm
that was funny as hell! omg! i luv da movies, i really do, but that was just so funny! i laughed my ass off! rock on!
Legolas/orlando bloom is HOTT!!!
November 30th, 2003 at 4:42 pm
Hmm an 8 year old redneck who has nothing better to do with his life. When are you going to start shooting up your teachers?
December 3rd, 2003 at 7:47 pm
FUcKiN hIlArIoUs! I heart the movies but that was the shit! lol! no dissin my boy orlando though dawg! Hes the hottest!
Luved it!
December 4th, 2003 at 7:35 am
I am a fan of the movie but I laughed a lot reading this script. I think a bit of humour even towards things we love and respect does not do any harm.
December 10th, 2003 at 11:48 pm
hated it. i love lotr, and elijah wood, and i think that really is stupid. i just wasted 8 minuetes of my life, reading that shit. that’s pathetic. get a life.
December 13th, 2003 at 10:54 am
im a big fan of the books and movies and stuff and that was real funny but the movie was actually pretty good. didnt it get nominated for some kind of award or something?
December 13th, 2003 at 7:29 pm
Yeah.. Best Picture in 2001.
December 14th, 2003 at 12:35 pm
uuuuh…though i did sit down and read this whole thing, i find it very disrespectful to the true fans out there. if you…whoever the hell wrote this…really hate Lord of the Rings sooo much, whats the point in waisting ur time to write somthing so stupid and pathetic. seriously this whole thing was a total blow. lord of the rings is history in movie making, and the best books ever written. Tolkien created this masterpiece along with 14 languages and many other epic tales. screw u, and get a life, dont diss this great thing
December 14th, 2003 at 9:08 pm
I agree with Katy. I luv the movies so much, though I haven’t read the books(TOO long). I have longed to learn the language of the Elves, but I can’t find anything that could help. Don’t dare insult these movies again. I will hunt you down and feed you to my brother.(Not really, but okay.) Don’t waste your time on crap like this. It’s not worth it.
December 14th, 2003 at 9:22 pm
Don’t ever insult my hot elf, Legolas. He’s just so pretty!!!
December 17th, 2003 at 5:27 pm
STOp MAKEING FUN OF THE MOVIE THEY ARE THE BEST AND THE BOOKS ARE THE BEST AND ORLANDO I THE HOTTEST GUY EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
December 17th, 2003 at 5:31 pm
Hey dat woz sum feckin gr8 shit! i worship evrythin gotta do wit de lord of the rings. I had gud craic readin it. Next time giv ORLANDO BLOOM sum lines. Giv him a line or sumthin! SLAN GO FOIL AGUS POG MO HON (if u speek Irish u’ll kno wot dat means!!)
December 17th, 2003 at 6:24 pm
First let me say that saying you love the movies so much you didn’t read the book is gay. You’re just too lazy but you’re using your love for the movie as an excuse and it’s really not working. Those of you who did not like the movies or book I believe might not have been intelligent enough to understand it. That or you have no taste…… heh
December 18th, 2003 at 10:16 pm
HAHA, LOL That was hilarious, a good satire and yes I too loved the books and movie, look forward to your spoof of Two Towers and Return of the King!!!
December 19th, 2003 at 10:24 pm
You guys are kidding me right…. it was satire and quite funny at that. You dont have to hate it just because you liked the movies, come on it was obviously a joke. And the whole thing with Orlando Bloom being “your elf” is REALLY stupid. Have you ever seen him in real life? that guy is ugly as hell. Don’t take the movie/book/parody too seriously. And the whole “get a life and stop writing things this stupid” line… you just read something that stupid. Hypocrisy?! i think so. =D
December 22nd, 2003 at 4:55 pm
haha that was funny as fuck!
i loved the movie(legolas is FIT!) and the book. god ppl shud stop taking this so seriously! its not taking the piss out of jrr tolkien of the book, only the film, and the film wasnt MADE by jrr tolkien or ne of his fans so wtf is evry1 getting so worked up over it?!?!?! just chill out guys and get a life there r more important things in life than books(even tho i luvd it) go out and hav sum normal fun!
December 22nd, 2003 at 9:02 pm
wow. that was funny. i really hate that movie. good job. do it again please.
December 23rd, 2003 at 7:33 pm
I can’t believe you fucking dicks you are going to mocl a story/movie that is so epic/monuental. You are simply too stupid to understand the story, too lazy to actually read the books, and too dense to pay attention to a movie that doesn’t have an explosion every 4 seconds or Vin Diesel spewing some brilliant one liner. Justice would be done if you died in a fiery car wreck, but it is more likely you will spend the rest of your days working at McDonalds, while watching Nascar and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon. You are a waste of oxygen that someone’s brain could devote to forming a coherent thought beyond intoxication or mating. Enjoy your life’s downward spiral.
December 27th, 2003 at 7:07 pm
Lol. I’m a fan and everything, but that was really good. And to all you people saying things like “I just wasted 8 minutes of my life reading that shit” or “You’re stupid because you can actually be funny, unlike myself”, get a life. If you think reading this is a waste of time, then you shouldn’t have read it in the first place. Also, if you didn’t like it, why add more wasted time to that 8 minutes by posting a comment that the writer and others are just going to laugh at because you’re such a hypocrite? Much love to you all. I look forward to parodies of The Two Towers and The Return of the King! Ta!
December 28th, 2003 at 8:08 am
why do you all have to swear so much? god. just say what you want and people will read it just the same.
P.S.
the parody was wicked funny. lmao
December 29th, 2003 at 2:31 am
I’m a die-hard fan of the books & movies (i have the latter almost completely memorized), but i loved this. i almost literally fell out of my chair laughing more than a few times. What the hell is up with all these people freakin out over this?? Me & my friends are all killer fans, & we have our own parody. get a life, ring freaks.
~Orlando Bloom… heart’s desire~
January 3rd, 2004 at 8:39 pm
great, but it doesn’t have the whole script there.. although it has most of it.
It’s damn funny, and I applaud Rod Hilton. While I haven’t read all of his “Abridged scripts”, I must say, this is definately one of the best.
Can’t bloody believe some people were insulted by this. It’s parody humour.
Kudos to R.H.
January 4th, 2004 at 8:06 am
i can’t believe you all get so worked up about this. Yeah its funny, and the books and films are good.
Settled.
January 4th, 2004 at 1:03 pm
i completely love the books and the films i think theyre amazing and vv fantastic and cant ppl have a bit of fun with parodies for christ sakes? its just a joke dont take things so seriously! its not like its gona kill u 2 read slightly offensive things…there r worst things in life than takin the piss out of hobbits, ok?
January 5th, 2004 at 3:19 pm
OMG that was the funniest peice of shit i have ever read. And i dont do much reading. AAh well thats not the point! That was a FKIN CLASS SCRIPT i think it wud do really well in a film so MAKE ONE plz….
Orlando Bloom is the hottest man to walk this earth, along with Johnny Depp, but he isnt in the movie so doesnt count right now. Elijah Wood is such a dick and u have every right to make fun of him!
I loved it. have you got one of Harry Potter? If not, u should. Continue plz i was laughin all the way thru that!
January 6th, 2004 at 3:34 pm
I thought it was soooooo funny. It was a disrespectful but funny. Ans i agree with u all Orlando Bloom is the hottest guy who has ever walked the face of the earth. Is there one of these for the Two Towers? Because if there is i would like to read it. Can someone also tell me where i can find more of these altered scrips.
January 6th, 2004 at 3:37 pm
P.S Sorry i forgot to mention i hate Everyone who dissed Elijah Wood! I mean come on hes just a kid, but he trys hard!
January 6th, 2004 at 8:11 pm
This is an utter embarassment to any LOTR fan on the planet. Speaking of planets…JRR Tolkien is a descendent of the Gorgnok race who came to earth hundreds of millions of years ago. Any disrespect shall be avenged by his kindred. I suggest you apologize and pay respects to the grave of Mr. Tolkien or you shall be doomed for eternity. i foresee u being slain by rehoboam the king of the gorgnoks, who reign the planet urantia
January 8th, 2004 at 5:34 pm
Yeah….you better watch out TrackBack, or the Gorgnok will have your head for this. You’ve been warned before about making fun of Tolkien, and for what you wrote here, I don’t know if they’ll be as merciful as they were last time. You migh get an anal probe…again…
SIGNED BY THE ROYAL ORDER OF THE GORGNOK
_|__|()_/\_^_~-()_^
January 10th, 2004 at 5:33 pm
It was messed up.Dont diss the hobbits,they’ll come 4 u!
January 11th, 2004 at 5:53 pm
ok, to sundance- yes, i have seen orlando bloom in real life, and he is one fine-ass mutha fucka.
January 11th, 2004 at 6:02 pm
to cyene- you really ought to read the books if u liked the movies, they’d make a lot more sense..
and don’t get so pissy about someone making fun of the movies. i do that every time i watch them & i love them! if you want to learn elvish, read the books, esp. the appendices in the return of the king & the silmarillion, also i’m putting up the url to a site that teaches elvish. the rest of you who hated this parody need to lighten up! get a life! you probably have the books memorized & only go out of doors when it is absolutely necessary. here’s some advice.. go outside, walk to a store, & buy a sense of humour!
January 11th, 2004 at 9:55 pm
I love the movies, i love the book, and i love this, it was funny and every book turned movie needs to be poked fun at and this was great to see how true it is that all they did was walk and talk in the first movie…
January 12th, 2004 at 2:13 am
U cannot be serious sundance Orlando Bloom UGLY??? U r proberly the ugly 1 sitting round on your ass all day because noone wants to look at your face get a life wat has he done to you? He is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO fuckin hot it makes me question your sanity so shut the hell up ok?
January 13th, 2004 at 2:51 pm
Hmm…needs more Sean Bean. BEANY!
January 13th, 2004 at 5:51 pm
WOW!!! that put me in stitches!! although i do LOVE the film and book… but hay, aint nothin’ wrong with a bit o humor!!
January 15th, 2004 at 10:08 am
u may not like but i have something 2 say 2 u dirt mouths dont ever make fun of legolas ( becuz he is hott that is beside the point ) or lotr and lemme tell ya something hell isnt funny and u ppl needa wash ur mouths out with soap becuz u have butts 4 mouths!!
January 15th, 2004 at 1:17 pm
That were da funny man!!!
January 18th, 2004 at 2:08 pm
DUDE! Bilbo and Gandalf got HIGH!
I SO have to show this to Isaiah!
He’ll Die of laughter!
XD
January 26th, 2004 at 12:02 am
what the fuck?!?!?!?! dont u ever dis the books or movie again you assholes!!!!!! what the hell is wrong with you??? jesus christ, have you even read the books??? what is your problem you mother fuckers????????????????
January 26th, 2004 at 8:37 am
Looks like someone doesn’t understand satire.
Freak.
February 1st, 2004 at 1:00 am
Lemon Curry?
February 2nd, 2004 at 5:19 pm
funny? maybe….. but come on! if you’re parodying a movie script do, it in movie script format for goodness sakes!
February 23rd, 2004 at 4:48 pm
Will some of you guys just lighten up! This script was HILARIOUS! I mean, I’ve read the book 10 times and then I watched the movies. The first one was GREAT, but the 2cnd screwed everything over and I was afraid to go to the 3d one because they just FUCKED everything up! Fortunately, they got it right but had to cut out HALF THE BOOK. I COULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB! And for all you big movie-fans: Orlando’s a homo! and Elijah Wood was just FUCKING bad casting! Long live the book, long live this script, and long live J.R.R Tolkien!!!!!
February 29th, 2004 at 11:49 pm
Hello my name is Felix and I am a big fan of The Lord of the Ring. In fact I saw all of them about four times when they came to theaters. Plus I have the first two parts on DVD. But I was just wondering, HOW COME THERE WERE NO BLACK PEOPLE IN THE MOVIE? There were a Wizards, Elves, Dwarf, Hobbits (all white), Phantoms, Men (all white) and Orces. There was a world of men, without color people, how come?
March 2nd, 2004 at 9:13 am
That was awesome! I only saw that movie nine times in theatres, since i’m such a geek, but God I love a good parody!
March 12th, 2004 at 6:32 pm
To Flex: The main reason there were very little, if any peopel of color was that much of LOTR, when written by TOlkien was based on earlier cultures of Scandinavia/Norse/Celtic Europe. This is especially evident with the Rohan which was a very Scandinavian in nature. The even used Olde English (As spoken by the Anglo-Saxons, many of the lines coming from the Epic Beowulf). As I understand it, and I could be wrong, but Quenya (From what i understand, the Elvish counterpart to what we would have as Latin) was based on Scandinvian/FInnish languages. This is the chief reason why white people were primarily invovled. It had nothing todo with racism or anything, it’s just that they wer trying to fit the Anglo culture and world Tolkien had created. These type of olden cultures were his area of expertise, so he used him as a foundation. It would have been like putting white people in a fantasy world based primarily on African culture. Just FYI.
OKAY, now taht i’ve finished my boring little lecture:
I am a HUGE fan of the movies and books and consider myself a fan of pretty much all of the characters and actors invovled, but I thought this was pretty funny. Does anyone know if the writer did TTT or ROTK? I don’t take much offence because to parody is to love in my opinion, and we as fans should be able to accept a little poking fun at our obsession *cough* I mean interest. I got a good laugh out of this.
April 6th, 2004 at 4:49 am
There were darkskinned people involved in the lord of the rings, unfortunately, they all worshipped sauron.
May 5th, 2004 at 8:14 pm
Holy shit, loosten up.
I liked the movies and the book, but it was still fuckin’ hilarious. So don’t go “Ohhh don’t diss da films, or I will lick your assholes til you die!”
I’m a fan of the movies and books and like I said above, this was still effin’ hilar.
May 20th, 2004 at 11:27 am
Great! Brilliant! It’s so funny!!!!!
May 26th, 2004 at 9:56 pm
Ok, I am a really big fan of the movies and the books. You might call it an unhealthy obssession. I own the first two Extended Versions and I’m waiting for the 3rd, which will come out this holiday. I’ve seen the makings of the movies so many times. This was ssssooooo hilarious and I just thought it was great the way they dissed on Elijah. Don’t get me wrong, I like him but it was still funny. And the Ians’ smoking scene was just so hilarious. I want to see one for TTT and RotK.
May 28th, 2004 at 2:37 am
funnyest Motherfucken shit i’ve heard about the lord of the rings you shoud do the hole trilligy but if you want some yeally funny shit check out newgrounds.com PEACE OUT DOGG’S
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November 22nd, 2005 at 8:58 pm
[…] I posted his Fellowship of the Ring (permalink here) script back in 2002 and it got many positive comments. RotK to follow. […]