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After being bombarded with ads for the better part of three weeks (recently including a very annoying, omnipresent on-screen icon), I couldn't help but somewhat look forward to this show. It's not often that you get to see a rack the size of hers flop around on TV, so I figured what the heck. Might as well check it out. A show that centers around a chick with huge boobs. How could you go wrong?

Any delusions I had about this show being worth watching were dispelled about 30 seconds in.

The opening scene has Anna Nicole looking into the camera saying something like, "People have certain opinions about me. First, they think I'm a gold digger. Second, they think I'm fat. Well, maybe I am a little big-boned." Blah blah blah.

Who the hell is this person? Where is Anna Nicole Smith, the hot babe we were all promised would be on this show? This definitely is not the Anna Nicole Smith of Playboy and a very sexy Guess? campaign back in 1993. There is no way that Anna Nicole could have become the bloated, hideous creature now glaring at me from the television set, is there? She has either completely let herself go over the past 9 years, or the makeup artists in the entertainment industry are the most talented people on the face of the planet. Anyone who could make her look palatable is a fucking genius. As she continues looking at the camera and talking, all I hear is, "I'm Fat Bastard! I'm a-gonna eat you!"

Then there is her entourage. A somewhat normal looking lawyer named Howard Stern (no, not that guy), her purple-haired, live-in assistant named Kim Walther who has a tattoo of Anna Nicole on her upper arm, and her poodle named "Sugar Pie." 5 minutes into the show, we learn that Sugar Pie farts a lot. Only later do we learn that Sugar Pie also likes to dry hump stuffed animals. Scary thing is, the dog is the most entertaining part of the show. Maybe if they kicked the rest of those losers off and just filmed the dog humping stuffed animals and farting, they'd have a successful product on their hands.

After 10 minutes, I just couldn't watch anymore. Not only is Anna Nicole hideously ugly, she's obviously acting, and acting badly, for the cameras. This is supposed to be a reality show. You know, one where you're not supposed to act? She was recently quoted as saying, "I think I can play the part, and when people see what I can do maybe they'll start to take me seriously as an actress." She was allegedly acting in To the Limit and Skyscraper and we all know how those gems turned out. This show has no element of spontaneity. There is no feeling of authenticity. What the show does have, in spades, is a hyena-ugly lead character and her incessant, incoherent babbling.

Speaking of incoherent babbling, what's up with her speech? It's pretty obvious she's either very drunk or very high or both. During the cut-away scenes where she is describing the action, she's somewhat lucid. But during the filming of the her daily activities she sounds like she has eaten a handful of Percodan and washed them down with a fifth of vodka. She makes Ozzy sound like Patrick Stewart performing a Shakespearean drama.

Here's an example.

Realtor: Hi Anna, how are you doing.
Anna: [SLURRING] Uhhh. Nots goood. I neeed. A new. Hoooouse.
Realtor: We'll, we're going to set you up.
Anna: [BURPS] I'm Faat Baastaard. I'm a-gonnna. Eaat. Yoou. Ahhhghhhghh.
[ANNA PASSES OUT, TRAPPING SUGAR PIE UNDER HER GIRTH]

I accidentally turned the TV back on with about 15 minutes left in the show. Against my better judgment, I watched the rest of it, much the same way people slow down to look for blood and body parts at an accident scene. I was rewarded with Anna slurring for the camera that she didn't know who the Jews were or who were killing them in suicide bombings. When Howard suggested that she speak out in support of Israel, she got this blank look on her face like she didn't know what the hell Israel was or what she would speak out in favor of. She responded with, "Uhhh. I don't know nothing. About nothing. I'm not. Saying. Anything," all the while looking like she was about to either throw up on the camera or eat it.

Cut to a scene where she gets in from a party late one night and calls her son at home, practically begging him to tell her that he loves her. Not only is this a sad sight for Anna Nicole, her poor son looks like he's embarrassed by the whole thing and trying hard to concentrate on the video game he's playing.

What a horrible, horrible idea for a television show. It's like The Real World meets The Beverly Hillbillies meets COPS. Who was the executive that greenlit this project? Whoever it was, they should take a few hints from other E! shows like "Wild on E!" that feature normal, hot females who don't look like a baleen whale after a 5 day bender. Reality TV be damned, this isn't entertainment, it's just sad.