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August 14, 2002
The Big Lie of August 14th
I've been listening to the bulls of Wall Street praise and herald Aug. 14th 2002 as the day of reckoning that will cure public fears of corporate fraud. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Today is the day CEOs and CFOs from 700 of the largest publicly traded companies in the U.S. must certify that their financial statements contain, "to the best of their knowledge", accurate data. Is anyone under the illusion that this will mean a damn thing?
There are three big reasons why it will not.
1. The type of accounting misrepresentation that WorldCom stands accused of is, at least in the eyes of WorldCom ex-CFO Scott Sullivan, perfectly legal. The feds, of course, disagree and are attempting to put Mr. Sullivan's ass in the slammer for a very long time. Time will tell who is right.
Anywho.
CEOs can certify financial statements until their fingers bleed from repeated signing of their names, but if their companies merely comply with the letter of the law rather than the spirit of the law, there will be more scandal.
2. CEOs and CFO's already sign off on their financial statements. What this second round of sign-offs are supposed to prove? That they really, really mean it this time? Honest to goodness, cross my heart, no crossing fingers or take backs? What does it say about their integrity that we're forcing these guys to say, a second time, that they aren't breaking the law? If we don't trust them at their word the first time through, why should we trust them the second time?
3. If a CEO or CFO knew that their company was doing something illegal with their financial statements and misrepresenting earnings, do you think they will take this opportunity to come clean? I certainly don't. If they haven't been caught up until this point, why would it benefit them to admit they're cooking the books? What makes August 14th, 2002 a special day to admit wrong-doing? The pundits would say, "Oh, will come forward today because of the 'Stiffer Criminal Penalties (tm)' that they will face if they are caught in fiduciary hanky panky." Yawn. Whatever.
It is precisely cheap publicity stunts like this that will cause further public distrust of corporate integrity when the next scandal comes down. And there will be more. Human nature guarantees that.
"Well," you say. "You what ever can we do to ensure corporate financial integrity?"
I have a few ideas.
First, when it comes to their financial stability, always assume that companies are lying to you. Always assume earnings are inflated, backlogs are bloated and projections will not bet met. If you expect that they're lying to you, it won't be such a shock when you find out they are.
Second, John Ashcroft needs to start prosecuting these lying bastards to the fullest extend of the law. The very foundations of our economic system is being shaken and Ashcroft is sitting around with his thumb in his ass. Sure, Scott Sullivan was arrested. So were two member of the Regas clan for their mismanagement of Adelphia Communications. But what have we heard of their cases? What about the other huge cases out there? Global Crossing? Tyco? IMClone? What about Martha Stewart? When are we going to see her prissy ass in handcuffs?
Finally, I wish the media would stop with the incessant stories about how horrible the market is. We're actually talking ourselves into a deeper hole than we should be in. Why? Every time I turn on the TV or pick up a newspaper or read a web site, I'm blasted with three different takes on why our economy is doing so horribly. Get over it.
Things may be bad now, but they will get better. When will they get better? Who knows. Perhaps not for quite a long time.
We're in the midst of three down years and could be at the beginning of a secular bear market. If that's the case then it's time to realize that no number of August-14th-like magical-days-of-reckoning will make things better.
Copyright © 2002 Christopher Ford
http://www.lurid.org
Posted by Christopher at 12:52 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
August 13, 2002
Arab Fantasy Land
From Danmeister
It's Time to Step Out of Arab Fantasy Land
Mark Steyn
National Post
So what do you think of this Israeli "massacre" at the Jenin refugee camp?
In the British accounts of the alleged worst human-rights atrocity since,
oh, the Dutch took charge at Srebrenica, you can't help noticing a curious
sameness. All reports rely on the same couple of eyewitnesses -- "Kamal
Anis, a labourer" (The Times), "A quiet, sad-looking young man called Kamal
Anis" (The Independent), "Kamal Anis, 28" (The Daily Telegraph) -- and the
same handful of victims -- "A man named only as Bashar once lived there"
(The Telegraph), "the burned remains of a man, Bashar" (The Evening
Standard), "Bashir died in agony" (The Times). You'd think with so many
thousands massacred there'd be a bigger selection of victims and distraught
loved ones, wouldn't you? But apparently not. I do hope Fleet Street's
herd-like experts aren't falling for the old native spin machine yet
again -- cf. "the mighty Pashtun warrior, humbler of empires"; "the brutal
Afghan winter"; etc.
"All British officials tend to become pro-Arab, or, perhaps, more accurately
anti-Jew," wrote Sir John Hope-Simpson in the 1920s wrapping up a stint in
the British Mandate of Palestine. "Personally, I can quite well understand
this trait. The helplessness of the fellah appeals to the British official.
The offensive assertion of the Jewish immigrant is, on the other hand,
repellent." Progressive humanitarianism, as much as old-school colonialism,
prefers its clientele "helpless," and, despite Iranian weaponry and Iraqi
money and the human sacrifice of its schoolchildren, the Palestinians have
been masters at selling their "helplessness" to the West.
Odd, isn't it? The Americans are routinely accused of being (in Pat
Buchanan's phrase) Israel's amen corner. But Washington is at least prepared
to offer the odd, qualified criticism of Sharon. The rest of the world, by
contrast, is happy to parrot Yasser's talking points without modifying a
single semi-colon. In the last month, I've found as many Jew-haters on the
Continent as in the Middle East, but the difference is that the Arabs are
fierce in their hatred, no matter how contorted their arguments, while the
Europeans are lazy, off- hand Jew-haters -- they don't need arguments,
they're happy to let the Arabs supply the script. Thus, the extraordinary
resolution this week by the UN Human Rights Commission which accuses Israel
of many and varied human rights violations, makes no mention of suicide
bombers, and endorses the movement for a Palestinian state by "all available
means, including armed struggle" -- i.e., terrorism. The resolution could
have been drafted by the Arab League or the PLO. Forty of the 53 nations on
the Commission approved it, including six EU members: Austria, Belgium,
France, Portugal, Spain and Sweden. Only five countries could summon the
will to vote against: Britain, Canada, Germany, the Czech Republic and
Guatemala. (The U.S. is not a member of the HRC, having been kicked off by a
coalition of Euro-Arab schemers.)
This is only the most extreme example of how the less sense the Arabs make
the more the debate is framed in their terms. For all the tedious bleating
of the Euroninnies, what Israel is doing is perfectly legal. Even if you
sincerely believe that "Chairman" Arafat is entirely blameless when it comes
to the suicide bombers, when a neighbouring jurisdiction is the base for
hostile incursions, a sovereign state has the right of hot pursuit. Britain
has certainly availed herself of this internationally recognized principle:
In the 19th century, when the Fenians launched raids on Canada from upstate
New York, the British thought nothing of infringing American sovereignty to
hit back -- and Washington accepted they were entitled to do so. But the
rights every other sovereign state takes for granted are denied to Israel.
"The Jews are a peculiar people: things permitted to other nations are
forbidden to the Jews," wrote America's great longshoreman philosopher Eric
Hoffer after the 1967 war. "Other nations drive out thousands, even millions
of people and there is no refugee problem ... But everyone insists that
Israel must take back every single Arab ... Other nations when victorious on
the battlefield dictate peace terms. But when Israel is victorious it must
sue for peace. Everyone expects the Jews to be the only real Christians in
this world." Thus, the massive population displacements in Europe at the end
of the Second World War are forever, but those in Palestine a mere three
years later must be corrected and reversed. On the Continent, losing wars
comes with a territorial price: The Germans aren't going to be back in
Danzig any time soon. But, in the Middle East, no matter how often the Arabs
attack Israel and lose, their claims to their lost territory manage to be
both inviolable but endlessly transferable.
So even the so-called "two-state solution" subscribes to an Arafatist view
of the situation. Creating yet another fetid Arab dictatorship in the West
Bank would be, technically, a "three-state solution" and, indeed, a second
Palestinian state, Jordan, whose population has always been majority
Palestinian. It was created in the original "two-state settlement" 80 years
ago, when the British partitioned their new Mandate of Palestine, carving
off the western three-quarters into a territory called "Transjordan" and
keeping the surviving eastern quarter under the name "Palestine." They did
this for two reasons: First, they needed to stop one of the Hashemite boys,
Abdullah, from marching on Syria and the best they could come up with was to
halt him in Amman and suggest he serve as interim governor; but secondly,
Churchill, as Colonial Secretary, thought the fairest way to fulfill
Britain's pledges to both Arabs and Jews during the Great War was by
confining Zionists to a Jewish National Home west of the Jordan and creating
a separate Arab entity in Palestine east of the Jordan. The only thing he
got wrong was the names: If instead of inventing the designation
"Transjordan," he'd just called the eastern territory "Palestine" and the
west "Israel" (or "Judah"), the Arafatist claim would be a much tougher
sell.
The Zionists have been trading "land for peace" ever since the Great War,
and the result is they've got hardly any land and less peace than ever
before. As early as 1921, Chaim Weizmann wrote to Churchill protesting the
ever shrinking borders of the potential Jewish homeland. To the north,
Britain had surrendered traditionally Palestinian land to France in fixing
the Mandate's border with Lebanon and Syria and, by giving the eastern
three-quarters to Abdullah, had removed the rich fields of Gilead, Moab and
Edom. The 1947 UN Partition took more land -- a partition of the previous
partition -- but the Zionists accepted it. In 1993, Oslo was the biggest
gamble yet, the creation of a mini-fiefdom for their bloodiest enemy. The
"Palestinian Authority" was an unlikely bet for a state but, from Arafat's
point of view, it would make an ideal launch-point from which to kill Jews
in the very heart of their tiny sliver of territory.
Other than that, what's the point? I'm sure the Middle East can always use
another squalid corrupt dictatorship, but at the very least it ought to be a
viable squalid corrupt dictatorship. An Arafatist squat on the West Bank and
Gaza would be insufficient. If Israel is, to the French, a "shitty little
country," this would be littler and shittier. Therefore, Arafat would seek
to augment it with territory from either west or east, Israel or Jordan. The
likelihood is that he'd be able to destabilize Jordan far more quickly than
he could destroy Israel. If it's a choice between an Arafat sewer straddling
the Jordan River or the Hashemites, I know which I'd prefer.
Israel should take what it needs of the West Bank for a buffer, round up
every terrorist it can, and announce that the Jordanians are welcome to
what's left. If King Abdullah doesn't want it and chooses to call in the UN
blue helmets in perpetuity, so be it. But the last eight years should have
taught Israel that it cannot live within its 1967 borders next to a thug
statelet whose sole purpose is to liquidate it. The Arabs have succeeded in
luring the West into their bizarro alternative universe, where land lost by
a foolish king is mysteriously transformed into the personal property of a
terrorist organization, where the "armed struggle" of wired schoolgirls is
UN- approved, and where the "right to exist" is something to be negotiated.
Fantasy land is fun, but we've encouraged the Arabs in their peculiar
dementias for too long. It's time to get real.
Posted by Christopher at 07:45 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 12, 2002
The Difference Between Cats and Dogs
From Jason Brodman
Those of you with pets, especially both cats and dogs, will get a kick out of this.
Original author unknown. If you know where this came from, please comment.
Excerpts from a dog’s diary:
8:00 am OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOGO FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm ooooooo. Bath. Bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Excerpts from a cat’s diary:
DAY 752 My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow, I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair….must try this on
their bed.
DAY 765 Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was……..Hmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason, I
was chosen for the water torture. This time however, it included a burning
foaming chemical called “shampoo”. What sick minds could invent such a
liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer”. More
importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of
“allergies”. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand, has got to be an
informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every
move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is
assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time…….
Posted by Christopher at 01:20 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
August 10, 2002
Revisiting your music collection
From Danmeister
One Hundred Albums You Should Remove From Your Collection Immediately
How many of these do you own? 27 for me.
Two of my favorites:
64. Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
Those who were raised on this album have put it in long term storage since it became a resurrected hit on campus and could be heard blaring from every goddamn dorm room in between "Fly Like an Eagle" and "Margaritaville," which resulted in sickness, depression, and even academic failure for those who would rather remember Floyd as a childhood soundtrack, but were then no longer able.
90. Sting - Ten Summoner's Tales
Is anybody else as sick of Sting as I am? I don't understand how someone can go from being totally original, starting out in punk and rock, transitioning to jazz, and then to absolute CRAP pop? What the hell? Next he'll be doing country-western, and I ain't buyin' it.
Posted by Christopher at 01:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 09, 2002
Lord of the Rings Script
I ran across a very entertaining adaptation of the Lord of the Rings script.
Here is an excerpt:
IAN MCKELLEN arrives. ELIJAH WOOD runs up to him.
IAN MCKELLEN
I am old and sage! I bring a sense
of dignity and elegance to all that
I do, and I appear to be a master
of all things intellectual.
ELIJAH WOOD
Actually, the most impressive thing
you'll do is set off a bunch of
fireworks. Then you get your ass
kicked by a better wizard, fail to
get us through a door because
you're too stupid to solve an easy
riddle, and then die.
IAN MCKELLEN
Oh. Well, at least I wasn't in
"North", you putrid piece of shit.
ELIJAH WOOD
Dammit.
LORD OF THE RINGS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT™
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
INT. DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON'S HOME
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON sits, on the phone with a
POWERFUL FILM EXECUTIVE.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
So, I was tossing this idea around.
Maybe I should make films out of
the Lord of the Rings tril--
RABID FANS OF THE BOOKS
(breaking down the door)
LORD OF THE RINGS?!?!?! Finally! A
well-done, realistic, immersive
film version of the best trilogy of
overly long books ever!
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Well, I was just thinking abo--
RABID FANS OF THE BOOKS
You know who would make an awesome
Gandalf? Ian McKellen!
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Uh, yeah, well, that's a good idea,
I gue-
RABID FANS OF THE BOOKS
Oh, I can't wait! I'm going to
generate an ungodly amount of hype
for this movie for the next few
years! I'm sure you won't
disappoint us!
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON gulps nervously.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
(twitching)
Wow, I feel a lot of pressure. How
can I possibly create a film as
good as any book in the wonderful
Lord of the Rings trilogy? What am
I going to do?
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON proceeds to sit down with the
trilogy and translate each page into screenplay format,
word by word.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON (CONT'D)
Yes! I will make the most loyal
movie based on a book in the
history of the cinema! Nobody will
be able to say the book was better
then! Ha ha ha!
EXT. BIG, OPEN BATTLEFIELD
Various computer-generated creatures face off. A
NARRATOR explains the story from "The Hobbit" as jaw
dropping battle ensues on-screen.
NARRATOR
So, this dude, Sauron, made a big
badass ring. He did some nasty
shit with it, and then he got
killed and this human took it.
Then he did nasty shit, too. The
ring made everyone an asshole and
then Ian Holm got it.
AUDIENCE
Wow! They just summarized the
entire first book in a matter of
minutes, doing so with the help of
an outstandingly impressive fight
sequence. If the rest of the movie
is like this, then this might just
be the greatest epic adventure film
ever created.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Oh, no, see, this was short, to-the
point, and interesting. The rest
of my movie is anything but that.
Did you go to the bathroom yet? You
probably should.
EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL FANTASY VILLAGE
IAN MCKELLEN arrives. ELIJAH WOOD runs up to him.
IAN MCKELLEN
I am old and sage! I bring a sense
of dignity and elegance to all that
I do, and I appear to be a master
of all things intellectual.
ELIJAH WOOD
Actually, the most impressive thing
you'll do is set off a bunch of
fireworks. Then you get your ass
kicked by a better wizard, fail to
get us through a door because
you're too stupid to solve an easy
riddle, and then die.
IAN MCKELLEN
Oh. Well, at least I wasn't in
"North", you putrid piece of shit.
ELIJAH WOOD
Dammit.
IAN MCKELLEN
So anyway, where's Ian Holm? I
heard he's got the plot to this
movie in his pocket somewhere.
INT. IAN HOLM'S COMICALLY SMALL HOME
IAN MCKELLEN enters, hitting his head on objects.
IAN HOLM
There you are, you sage old wizard!
They smoke from IAN MCKELLEN'S PIPE.
IAN HOLM (CONT'D)
Ah, Ian, you truly have the finest
weed in Middle Earth.
IAN MCKELLEN
Heh. Both of our names are Ian.
IAN HOLM
Holy shit! You're right!
IAN HOLM falls backwards, laughing hysterically.
IAN HOLM (CONT'D)
Dude! Every time I laugh, I think
it's my lung trying to escape a
little bit. Maybe that's what
laughing is. Lungs use humor to
trick us into letting them escape.
Whoa.
IAN MCKELLEN
Holy shit dude, you're so fucked
up.
IAN HOLM
Oh, wanna see something cool? This
will totally trip you out.
IAN slips on the RING OF POWER and turns invisible.
IAN HOLM (CONT'D)
(invisible)
Whoa, where'd I go? Where'd I go?
Ha ha!
(removing the ring)
Isn't that awesome?
IAN MCKELLEN
Ian! You stupid bastard! That's
the Ring of Power, forged centuries
ago by the evil Lord Sauron! It is
the key to the greatest power in
all the land! It is sought after
by the most wicked of evil forces
and as Sauron's spirit grows
stronger, he comes closer to
obtaining it and enslaving Middle
Earth!
IAN HOLM
Shit. High killer, dude. Not cool.
IAN MCKELLEN
Give me the ring. Then go away and
write your book. Elijah Wood and I
will destroy it.
IAN HOLM
Elijah Wood? Wasn't he that little
puke in "The Good Son"?
IAN MCKELLEN
That was Macaulay Culkin.
IAN HOLM
Wait, am I thinking of the wrong
person?
IAN MCKELLEN
Elijah was the snot-nosed little
twerp in the Flipper movie.
IAN HOLM
Oh, right, that fucker.
IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah. I'm going to travel with him
to the treacherous volcano Mount
Doom. Once there, we will destroy
this evil thing once and for good.
IAN HOLM
The ring?
IAN MCKELLEN
Elijah. But I'll make him wear the
ring before I shove him in.
IAN HOLM leaves. ELIJAH enters.
ELIJAH WOOD
Heya Ian! I just came by to see--
IAN MCKELLEN
Elijah, you must take this ring.
It is the Ring of Power, forged by
the evil Lord Sauron long ago.
Travel to a far away land with your
cohorts. I will meet you there and
we will venture to Mount Doom to
destroy the ring. You must arrive
safely - the fate of Middle Earth
depends on your success.
ELIJAH WOOD
Er..uh..I just wanted to ask you if
you wanted to play some Nintendo.
IAN MCKELLEN
There's no time, Elijah! I must go
find Christopher Lee and seek his
guidance. Good luck, the fate of
all life rests in your small, hairy
hands.
ELIJAH WOOD
I.. uh..
IAN MCKELLEN
(bolting out the door)
Don't fuck up!
ELIJAH stares at the ring. As he does so, his face
contorts to an expression of limitless fear.
His eyes widen and his mouth gapes slightly open with
shock and terror. This expression never leaves his face
again - ever.
SEAN ASTIN
Hey Elijah, me and these other two
interchangeable Hobbits want to go
with you on your quest.
ELIJAH WOOD
Are you sure? I will be faced with
much peril.
SEAN ASTIN
Jesus, look at this place. It's
nothing but grass and plants. I
ate a damn flower for breakfast
today. It looks really pretty if
you take it in small doses, but
living here is some kind of hell. I
need to get out of here, Elijah, my
parents are driving me nuts and
there is nothing to do.
ELIJAH WOOD
Alright, let's go! But only if you
act so moronically that you not
only nearly sabotage our mission
repeatedly, but also drastically
undermine the otherwise serious
tone of the film.
SEAN ASTIN
It's a deal. And by the way, if
you want to randomly start cheering
"Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!" don't let me
stop you.
ELIJAH WOOD
What?
INT. CHRISTOPHER LEE'S HOME OR A CHURCH OR SOME SHIT
CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN MCKELLEN walk around and chat.
IAN MCKELLEN
It's good seeing you again,
Christopher Lee. I like what
you've done with your hair, how do
you keep it so tangle-free?
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Well, Ian, I condition when
showering, brush it straight while
still in the shower, and then
condition again. The secret is in
the second conditioning.
IAN MCKELLEN
Brilliant! See, this is why you're
obviously the better wizard.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Actually, it's funny you should say
that, Ian. You see, I'm about to
beat the living snot out of you.
IAN MCKELLEN
Come again?
CHRISTOPHER brings out a small card.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Ha! I summon Gaea's Skyfolk, a 2/2
with flying.
IAN MCKELLEN
Hmm. Okay, I'm going to cast a
counterspell, which lets me also
draw a card. Oh! A Bloodfire Kavu!
I summon him.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
You can't do that, you can't summon
until your turn, it's still my
turn.
IAN MCKELLEN
No it's not! I just did the
counterspell!
CHRISTOPHER LEE
That was an instant! God, now I
remember why I hate playing with
you! Fuck this!
CHRISTOPHER uses his WIZARD STICK to rip IAN MCKELLEN a
BRAND NEW ASSHOLE.
EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL LANDSCAPE
ELIJAH and the OTHER HOBBITS walk around NEW ZEALAND.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Isn't this great? Them walking
around in this world... this
completely different world...of New
Zealand..
AUDIENCE
Yeah, it's really pretty.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
(bemused)
It is...
Minutes pass.
AUDIENCE
Uh..you, uh, gonna do something any
time soon?
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Huh? Oh, right, action. How about
some monsters?
Suddenly, some EVIL MONSTERS attack. A few monsters get
close to ELIJAH WOOD so he puts on the RING OF POWER to
become INVISIBLE.
ELIJAH WOOD
Ha! Bet you monsters didn't see
that coming! Holy shit, does
anyone have any 3D glasses, stuff
looks really neat with this ring
on.
ELIJAH is then STABBED anyway.
ELIJAH WOOD (CONT'D)
Gark!
VIGGO MORTENSEN jumps in and slaughters ELIJAH'S
ATTACKERS.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Elijah, are you all right? You
must survive! You are the only one
who can carry the ring! All others
would be tempted to wear it for
personal gain!
ELIJAH WOOD
Didn't I just put it on to save my
own ass?
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Yes, but then you got stabbed
anyway. See, if any of us were
corrupted by the ring, we'd be
intelligent enough to use it for
our own advantage. Hobbits, on the
other hand, are bumbling morons.
Frankly I'm more concerned with you
dropping it or losing it than I am
with the thought that you might use
it for power.
ELIJAH WOOD
Oh. Well, I think I'm dying. Is
that bad?
VIGGO MORTENSEN
The only thing that can save you
now is an awkward cameo by Liv
Tyler.
LIV TYLER
I am one of the only females in the
film. I somehow manage to have
absolutely no depth at all. But I'm
pretty, which is what chicks are
supposed to be in this sort of
thing. Please notice how softened
my appearance is, because I am
female, you see.
She looks PRETTY.
ELIJAH WOOD
So, um, about me dying...
LIV TYLER
Oh, right. I will take you
backstage at an Aerosmith concert,
where your wounds shall be healed.
EXT. THE LAND OF THE ELVES
HUGO WEAVING, looking unnecessarily cunning, talks to
IAN MCKELLEN, who escaped somehow. Something about a
bird.
HUGO WEAVING
We must destroy the ring, Ian.
IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah, I was going to go to Mount
Doom with Elijah Wood and do that.
HUGO WEAVING
Elijah Wood? The whiny dipshit from
"Deep Impact"?
IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah.
HUGO WEAVING
No, that won't do at all. I think
instead of exploring the currently
established characters in more
detail, we should simply add a
bunch of new characters that don't
particularly enhance the story.
This larger group of boring
characters will go to Mount Doom.
A DWARF
I'll go, because I am grizzled and
brave, though my skill doesn't
measure up completely to my
confidence.
AN ELF
I will also go, even though I'm
about as flat as someone with
speaking lines in a movie can
possibly be. Also, I look kind of
like the oldest son from Malcom in
the Middle.
SEAN BEAN
I am human, but I seem shady as
hell. This shadiness adds a slight
bit of dimension to my personality,
but not much.
HUGO WEAVING
Excellent. Together, you will be
known as....
The overbearing, cheesy music swells.
HUGO WEAVING (CONT'D)
The Fellowship of the Ring!
AUDIENCE
Uh, wait, this scene makes me feel
like the movie is actually just
starting.
(laughing nervously)
But that's just absurd, right?
I've been sitting here for an hour.
I mean, it can't actually just be
getting going, right? Right?
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
I think it's best you leave now.
Your eyes are unfit to view the
marvel of Tolkien's masterpiece.
INT. VIVID, FRIGHTENING CAVERN
THE FELLOWSHIP travels through a cavern. We watch them
walk. Again.
AUDIENCE
Peter! Wake up, dammit!
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
(eyes glazed over)
So pretty...
AUDIENCE
PETER!
Suddenly, the group is surrounded by enemies again. The
enemies are defeated again. ELIJAH is stabbed again.
ELIJAH WOOD
Ahhh Jesus, this one hurts more
than usual. I think it's really
killing me.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Ian, can't you heal him?
IAN MCKELLEN
No, see, I'm a level 5 wizard, you
can't cast Resurrection or Heavy
Heal until level 6. I need 4,523
more experience points. Oh, hey,
this battle gave me 5,000! Hang
on, let me increase my stats.
(pause)
Okay, done.
He heals ELIJAH.
ELIJAH WOOD
Thanks, Ian. I was just thinking,
it's really great having you
around. You're the most
entertaining character in this
boring bucket of shit.
IAN MCKELLEN
Thanks, that means a lot. Want me
to read you some fortune cookies
and call it "advice"?
IAN MCKELLEN is KILLED by a MONSTER.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
I guess that leaves me as the
interesting one, huh?
ELIJAH WOOD
Actually, for someone who is
essentially the focus of the last
book, you come off as amazingly
dull and transparent. I could
quite easily not notice you at all.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Hey, at least I wasn't in "The
Faculty", you munchkin asshat.
CATE BLANCHETT
Hi everyone. I'm the other female
in the movie. I'm exactly the same
as Liv Tyler, except shots of me
have had the edges softened even
further. My cameo is equally
useless, though, don't be fooled by
the effects.
EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL LANDSCAPE
The FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING continues to travel around
some more. Once again, monsters eventually attack.
Once again, they are defeated.
SEAN ASTIN
Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!
ELIJAH WOOD
Hey! I didn't get stabbed this
time.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Then there is nothing more you can
learn from us, you must go on your
own to Mount Doom. You can go with
Sean Astin if you want.
ELIJAH WOOD
Er, alright, but I really haven't
done the slightest thing that
indicates I'm ready to go out on my
own.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Yeah well, frankly I'm tired of
watching after you and your cretin
friends. Perhaps we will meet in a
sequel.
ELIJAH WOOD
Alright. Farewell, my friends.
Sean Astin, I'm glad to be going on
this adventure with you. It makes
me look smart. We are closer to
Mount Doom, but we have a long way
to go.
AUDIENCE
A long way to go? Jesus Christ, how
much longer is this movie, I don't
think I can sit through any more of
watching people walk through New
Zealand.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Actually, the movie's over.
AUDIENCE
What? Are you serious? They
didn't even do anything.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
They walked around a lot.
AUDIENCE
I hate you. I hate you so much.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Tough shit, numbnuts. I didn't
make this movie for you, I made it
for the rabid fans of the books.
RABID FANS
It was good, but the books were
better.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON curses at the sky, shaking his
fists.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
NO!! IT WAS SO LOYAL TO THE BOOKS!!
WHERE DID I GO WRONG??
RABID FANS
Jesus man, have you read the books?
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Of course! Hundreds of times.
RABID FANS
Ever do it in one sitting?
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
No.
RABID FANS
Exactly.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
...
RABID FANS
I look forward to picking apart the
other two movies, though. Thanks
for the good time.
END
Copyright 2002 Rod Hilton. All Rights Reserved. This document may be reproduced verbatim (allowing censorship and translation) as long as the author's name is preserved and this notice is either preserved or referenced.
Posted by Christopher at 04:33 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
August 08, 2002
Oops, I Hid it Again...
WorldCom Uncovers Another $3.3 Billion in Faulty Accounting
If you already dislike WorldCom CEO John Sidgmore, you're really not going to like him after he hits the talkshow-spin circuit tomorrow to explain how his company misrepresented $7.1 billion dollars of revenue. Back in June when the WorldCom accounting errors totaled a mere $3.8 billion we were treated to Sidgmore's smarmy comments such as, "WorldCom controls 40% of all Internet traffic, the government wouldn't dare break us up, or peon end users such as yourself wouldn't be able satiate your online porn and gambling addictions." Maybe I'm paraphrasing, but that was his message in essence.
Starting tomorrow, his job will be to spread FUD about how a harsh punishment for WorldCom would be bad for the economy and cause everyone to lose e-mail access or something. I had never even heard of this guy 2 months ago, and I can honestly say I hate him now. I'm not anti-corporation or anti-big business, but I am anti-FUD.
Get ready to give back those 668 points the Dow gained over the past three days.
Posted by Christopher at 10:16 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Mr. Short-Term Memory
Saddam Warns Attackers Will Fail
Saddam Hussein in 1990: An attack on Iraq will result in defeat for the infidels and the desert will be stained red with their blood.
Saddam Hussein in 2002: An attack on Iraq will result in defeat for the infidels and the desert will be stained red with their blood.
Saddam Hussein in 1990: An attack on Iraq is the same as an attack on all Arab states.
Saddam Hussein in 2002: An attack on Iraq is the same as an attack on all Arab states.
Saddam Hussein in 1990: This will be the mother of all battles.
Saddam Hussein in 2002: This will be the mother of all battles.
Saudi Arabia in 1990: The US can not use Saudi bases to launch attacks on Iraq. (eventually changed their position)
Saudi Arabia in 2002: The US can not use Saudi bases to launch attacks on Iraq. (will eventually change their position)
Headlines Feb 27th, 1991: US kicks Iraq's ass in 100 hours, "Mother of All Battles" anticlimatic
Headlines to come: Saddam Hussein finally gets what he deserves
UN Security Council in 1991: UN Weapons inspectors must be allowed in Iraq. (rallies US public opinion behind an easily identifiable cause)
UN Security Council in 2002: UN Weapons inspectors must be allowed in Iraq. (the same reason will be used to rally US public opinion again)
Saddam Hussein in 1990: An attack on Iraq will result in defeat for the infidels and the desert will be stained red with their blood.
Saddam Hussein in 2002: An attack on Iraq will result in defeat for the infidels and the desert will be stained red with their blood.
Saddam Hussein in 1990: An attack on Iraq is the same as an attack on all Arab states.
Saddam Hussein in 2002: An attack on Iraq is the same as an attack on all Arab states.
Saddam Hussein in 1990: This will be the mother of all battles.
Saddam Hussein in 2002: This will be the mother of all battles.
Saudi Arabia in 1990: The US can not use Saudi bases to launch attacks on Iraq. (eventually changed their position)
Saudi Arabia in 2002: The US can not use Saudi bases to launch attacks on Iraq. (will eventually change their position)
Headlines Feb 27th, 1991: US kicks Iraq's ass in 100 hours, "Mother of All Battles" anticlimatic
Headlines to come: Saddam Hussein finally gets what he deserves
UN Security Council in 1991: UN Weapons inspectors must be allowed in Iraq. (rallies US public opinion behind an easily identifiable cause)
UN Security Council in 2002: UN Weapons inspectors must be allowed in Iraq. (the same reason will be used to rally US public opinion again)
I'm reminded of the old Saturday Night Live skits where Tom Hanks played the character "Mr. Short-Term Memory", where he would forget things from one sentence to the next.
Interviewer: If Iraq is attacked by the U.S., will Iraq attack Israel?
Hussein: Yes. Definitely, yes.
Interviewer: Why?
Hussein: Why what?
Interviewer: Why will you attack Israel if you are attacked by the U.S.?
Hussein: We're being attacked by the U.S.? Ahhh, run away.
Interviewer: No, not right now. But if you are attacked by the US, you said you would retaliate against Israel.
Hussein: Who are you?
Interviewer: I'm Wolf Blitzer, CNN News.
Hussein: Hi Wolf, how can I help you.
Interviewer: We were just talking about imminent attack of Iraq by the U.S.
Hussein: The U.S. is evil.
Interviewer: Nevermind.
Hussein: I scare children.
Interviewer: That's nice to know.
Hussein: Yes, I did it on TV once. You should have seen the look of horror on this poor little boy's face. At the pre-arranged photo op, he looked like he was about to scream and run away from me. I'm powerful.
Interviewer: Yes, you scare children.
Hussein: A moose once bit my sister...
Posted by Christopher at 03:58 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 07, 2002
The Carrot Game
I wonder if there is a Carrot Game World Championship. I bet that would be fun to watch, what with all the washing and cutting and boiling. Fun for one and all, courtesy of engrish.com
Posted by Christopher at 03:12 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Brainfuck -- the worst programming language ever
Just pray you never have to complete a project with this language.
http://www.catseye.mb.ca/esoteric/bf/
Here is a sample line of Brainfuck code:
]>-<+>[<-]<[<]>[>++++++<-<<[<]>>.[>]>]>-<+>[<-]<[<]>[>+++++<-<<[<]>>>
Posted by Christopher at 02:08 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
Hopes for quick cancellation of the Anna Nicole Show -- Dashed
The Anna Nicole Show proved to be E!'s strongest series debut ever, scoring a 4.1 rating. With numbers like this, "The Anna Nicole Movie" will be announced any time now.
Anna Nicole show debuts strongly (CNN)
Posted by Christopher at 09:13 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
August 06, 2002
Death sought for Runnion Killer
Err, I mean alleged killer.
In a completely unsurprising announcement Orange County District Attorney Anthony Rackauckas said 27 year old repeat offender and alleged psychopathic child killer Alejandro Avila will be put to death as soon as the formality of due process can be exercised.
Posted by Christopher at 02:10 PM | Comments (2)
FL set to ban caging of pregnant pigs
It seems the political juggernaut Floridians for Humane Farms is poised for a political victory in the state of Florida. Somehow, these freaks have managed to get a ballot initiative to make it unconstitutional to cage pregnant pigs in Florida. According to their web site , pigs kept in "gestation crates" suffer from chronic stress, frustration, depression, and other psychological disorders.
I ask you, how can we call ourselves a civilized society when future barbecued pork sandwiches, Christmas hams, and footballs are forced to live with chronic stress, frustration and depression?
Posted by Christopher at 01:39 PM | Comments (0)
August 05, 2002
The Anna Nicole Show -- God, why?
If there was ever a poster child for the phrase "Beauty is only skin deep," it is Anna Nicole Smith. Only one problem: she isn't even attractive anymore. She has been reduced to second-rate trailer-park skank status, and now to the horror of everyone with an modicum of good taste, has her own show on E!.
After being bombarded with ads for the better part of three weeks (recently including a very annoying, omnipresent on-screen icon), I couldn't help but somewhat look forward to this show. It's not often that you get to see a rack the size of hers flop around on TV, so I figured what the heck. Might as well check it out. A show that centers around a chick with huge boobs. How could you go wrong?
Any delusions I had about this show being worth watching were dispelled about 30 seconds in.
The opening scene has Anna Nicole looking into the camera saying something like, "People have certain opinions about me. First, they think I'm a gold digger. Second, they think I'm fat. Well, maybe I am a little big-boned." Blah blah blah.
Who the hell is this person? Where is Anna Nicole Smith, the hot babe we were all promised would be on this show? This definitely is not the Anna Nicole Smith of Playboy and a very sexy Guess? campaign back in 1993. There is no way that Anna Nicole could have become the bloated, hideous creature now glaring at me from the television set, is there? She has either completely let herself go over the past 9 years, or the makeup artists in the entertainment industry are the most talented people on the face of the planet. Anyone who could make her look palatable is a fucking genius. As she continues looking at the camera and talking, all I hear is, "I'm Fat Bastard! I'm a-gonna eat you!"
Then there is her entourage. A somewhat normal looking lawyer named Howard Stern (no, not that guy), her purple-haired, live-in assistant named Kim Walther who has a tattoo of Anna Nicole on her upper arm, and her poodle named "Sugar Pie." 5 minutes into the show, we learn that Sugar Pie farts a lot. Only later do we learn that Sugar Pie also likes to dry hump stuffed animals. Scary thing is, the dog is the most entertaining part of the show. Maybe if they kicked the rest of those losers off and just filmed the dog humping stuffed animals and farting, they'd have a successful product on their hands.
After 10 minutes, I just couldn't watch anymore. Not only is Anna Nicole hideously ugly, she's obviously acting, and acting badly, for the cameras. This is supposed to be a reality show. You know, one where you're not supposed to act? She was recently quoted as saying, "I think I can play the part, and when people see what I can do maybe they'll start to take me seriously as an actress." She was allegedly acting in To the Limit and Skyscraper and we all know how those gems turned out. This show has no element of spontaneity. There is no feeling of authenticity. What the show does have, in spades, is a hyena-ugly lead character and her incessant, incoherent babbling.
Speaking of incoherent babbling, what's up with her speech? It's pretty obvious she's either very drunk or very high or both. During the cut-away scenes where she is describing the action, she's somewhat lucid. But during the filming of the her daily activities she sounds like she has eaten a handful of Percodan and washed them down with a fifth of vodka. She makes Ozzy sound like Patrick Stewart performing a Shakespearean drama.
Here's an example.
Realtor: Hi Anna, how are you doing.
Anna: [SLURRING] Uhhh. Nots goood. I neeed. A new. Hoooouse.
Realtor: We'll, we're going to set you up.
Anna: [BURPS] I'm Faat Baastaard. I'm a-gonnna. Eaat. Yoou. Ahhhghhhghh.
[ANNA PASSES OUT, TRAPPING SUGAR PIE UNDER HER GIRTH]
I accidentally turned the TV back on with about 15 minutes left in the show. Against my better judgment, I watched the rest of it, much the same way people slow down to look for blood and body parts at an accident scene. I was rewarded with Anna slurring for the camera that she didn't know who the Jews were or who were killing them in suicide bombings. When Howard suggested that she speak out in support of Israel, she got this blank look on her face like she didn't know what the hell Israel was or what she would speak out in favor of. She responded with, "Uhhh. I don't know nothing. About nothing. I'm not. Saying. Anything," all the while looking like she was about to either throw up on the camera or eat it.
Cut to a scene where she gets in from a party late one night and calls her son at home, practically begging him to tell her that he loves her. Not only is this a sad sight for Anna Nicole, her poor son looks like he's embarrassed by the whole thing and trying hard to concentrate on the video game he's playing.
What a horrible, horrible idea for a television show. It's like The Real World meets The Beverly Hillbillies meets COPS. Who was the executive that greenlit this project? Whoever it was, they should take a few hints from other E! shows like "Wild on E!" that feature normal, hot females who don't look like a baleen whale after a 5 day bender. Reality TV be damned, this isn't entertainment, it's just sad.
Posted by Christopher at 04:49 PM | Comments (5)